The Not-So-Nice Working Woman

What are the implications of being an assertive woman at a workplace?

After interacting with people from different countries, age groups, backgrounds, and history, there is one comment that still manages to shock me: “You’re just too nice,” they say. Not once, but several times. It’s a shot straight to the heart. Too nice? As in more than normal or too much for this world? It’s always been difficult to understand what metrics set these standards of “niceness.” I do apologize for being unprofessional in the workplace — my sole and biggest mistake: letting my emotions cloud my judgment. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told. According to the google definition, being assertive means “having or showing a confident and forceful personality.” So what does that have to do with being a nice person? As a highly sought out quality, what implications does being assertive have for a woman in any given workplace? So What’s Being Assertive Look Like?

Ata workplace, being assertive can mean a number of different things. From trying to figure out the best way to be kind and accepted, to being valued and respected. These are over-linking ideas yet require different behaviors and attitudes to accomplish.

An article in Journal of Counseling Psychology, when looking for sex differences in assertive behavior found that, “Men reported themselves as more assertive than women on items dealing with bosses and supervisors. Men also reported themselves as being more outspoken when stating opinions and as taking the initiative more readily in social contacts with members of the opposite sex. Women, on the other hand, reported themselves as more assertive in expressing love, affection, and compliments, as well as expressing anger to one’s parents.” (Hollandsworth and Wall, 1977, para. 1)

As women, we’ve been famously known to have our emotions impact our judgment. That in turn, somehow, equates being a less than perfect leader. As a bridal consultant, I know one thing to be true: it is an emotional job — you have to connect and understand each bride at a deeper level. Sometimes that can mean stepping away from the professional expectations of the job. After all, it is part of a huge event, one the bride will likely remember for the rest of her life. Yet even in such an emotional and sensitive industry, leaders — like my manager and boss — have to follow certain assertiveness guidelines or metrics to be valued and respected at work. It’s one industry where having a male leadership just wouldn’t make sense, so in judging the implications of women assertiveness, it is, simply put, the perfect environment. The Man’s World

Growing up, I always wondered: what makes men and women so different? I would learn much later in life, that besides genetics and physical attributes, people (men) have an uncanny obsession with categorizing and filtering through female behavior and attitude. A woman in a leadership position is directly put under the microscope. Besides making a stand, holding an argument, working a group of people, and donning out tasks and responsibilities; female leaders have the added task of taking care of themselves.

A research done by Bergman and Hallberg produced interesting results. They found that there were different factors that impacted women’s assertiveness at work. They claimed that, “Female managers’ blood pressure remained high and norepinephrine excretion rates increased in the evening at home after an ordinary day at work.” (Bergman and Hallberg, 2002, p. 663)

Not only is being assertive impacting women’s work life and performance, but having negative effects in their overall mood and home life. I never gave much thought on how my boss balances work and three kids, but it sadly seems like the standard. Every female leader I personally know is juggling some sort of personal issue or circumstances, which in turn is a part of her leadership identity. Funny enough, her husband, who is also in the bridal industry, is feared and well respected. His ideas and adjustments are rarely, if ever, questioned. Yet his wife, who holds an equally established business is known to be caring, sensitive, and kind. Does that make her a bad leader? Or does being a male simply put one’s leadership at a higher scale? What Makes a Good Leader?

When it comes to being a leader, everyone has their own individual style. At the word, you may picture a middle aged man in a three piece suit, overlooking the city through his office windows. Yet, reality is that there are many kinds of leaders and not all of them practice the rules of assertiveness. A good leader does not need to raise their voice, make scary eye contact, or shout out tasks and expectations. Sometimes, a good leader is understanding, emotional, and sensitive to the needs of their employees and colleagues.

Joyce Rusell from Forbes wrote, “Don’t get me wrong — you do have to stand up for yourself and you have to give honest feedback to people who are not doing what they should be doing, but you can still do this in a kind, compassionate, nice and firm way. I’ve seen it done really well. I’ve also seen, however, people worried about not being seen as nice so they don’t tell a person directly what they think; instead, they tell everyone around them.” (Russell, 2019, para. 4)

Kindness is a choice and there are different metrics that each person should be held accountable for. Here’s my conclusion on this: the definition of nice has been misinterpreted and continues to be misused. It’s not “nice” to let someone yell at you, that’s being calm. It’s not “nice” to let someone slack off, that’s bad management. It’s nice to be compassionate, a human, privy to making mistakes, learning, growing, accepting, and supporting. At a workplace, that can mean a hundred different things in several different scenarios. For a woman, this has always been worse. Presenting Self

I have personally found it very difficult to switch between “work mode” to “house mode.” I have always had a different presenting self — one that is professional, a good communicator, respectful, and a leader. At home though, I choose to live a slowed down and peaceful life. I don’t enjoy going out or visiting people, instead I prefer to stay home and relax with a good book. That would obviously come as a surprise to many people at work. With my overwhelming schedule and work life, how could I choose to live such a calm and uneventful personal life?

A novel by Crawford and Unger talks about the psychology of women in a workplace. They summarize their research by saying that, “The world has become a smaller and more dangerous place, and current political and social events will continue to have a major impact on relationships between women and men.” (Crawford and Unger, 2004, para. 1)

Workplace issues as well as gender related barriers are an ongoing issue. These are issues that women have been dealing with for years, and still face the effects of to this day. In trying to catch up with our male competitors and colleagues in the industry, we tend to deviate from the concept of professional authenticity. I am really not this motivated, yet I find myself faking the enthusiasm and desire to work hard. It seems like the right thing to do, especially if that’s one of the scales you’ll later be judged on. Fake it Till You Make it?

In the name of being professional, did we somehow forget how to be proper humans? It’s so hard to sometimes ground yourself and remind yourself of who you really are. When you take on a work role, you take on a persona. This persona becomes who you are. A lot of our behaviors then have excuses. For example, “Sorry, I was working and didn’t get a chance to check my messages.” That is something even I’m guilty of. Of course, I had a few minutes to check my messages, I just chose not to answer yours.

Prarthana Ghosh when talking about assertive behavior claims that, “Women in leadership roles not only have to strive to be successful as a leader but also work to overcome the gender bias at work and be accepted as a leader first. That could possibly explain why many women leaders (come) are perceived as bullies because that is the persona they have had to create for themselves in order to survive an environment riddled with negative bias.” (Ghosh, 2021, para. 3)

Every job requires professionalism and has its own standards. Basic communication guidelines, behavioral expectations, meeting formats, hierarchy, code of conduct, as well as dress codes. In all of this, we are so busy meeting expectations that we forget who we are. I often have a hard time distinguishing my work life with my personal life. So much so, that each night is actually draining. To switch back and forth between the two roles is not only tiring, but mentally and emotionally exhausting. Double Standards

Men have predominantly held leadership positions, which is probably why their leadership styles are easier to accept. We don’t go around categorizing male leaders based on their levels of assertiveness and the impacts that has on their work.

A study by Butler and Geis regarding nonverbal communication and the implications it had on leaders both male and female claims that, “It had been expected that a competent, assertive female leader would elicit more negative affect or less positive affect than an equally competent male. This prediction was confirmed.” (Butler and Geis, 1990, p. 52) As established by the research, people expect female leadership to be questioned and critiqued — much more than that of their male colleagues. A research that tested reactions to assertive and unassertive behavior found,“Results indicated that while assertive models were viewed as skilled and able, they were given lower ratings on measures of likeability than unassertive models. Further, interaction effects indicated that assertive behavior exhibited by females resulted in more negative evaluations than the identical behavior in males.” (Kelly, Kern, Kirkley, Patterson, and Keane, 1980, para. 1)

Not only are our behaviors up for criticism but it directly impacts our likability in a workplace. Our level of assertive behavior will directly impact employee relationships, level of respect, and how our colleagues/employees view us — both on a personal and professional level. If that is the case, wouldn’t it just be easier to practice that instead of going through the cycle of assertive behavior, judgment, criticism, and evaluation?

A Gray Area

It is so easy to mistake the proper and accepted workplace behavioral expectations. Some people are prone to only follow orders handed out in an assertive tone. Somehow it’s the only way it counts.

In an article for Forbes, by Pratima Rao Gluckman, after being called aggressive by her male colleagues she initially thought it to be a good representation of her work and leadership. Yet she later learned that, “as time went by, it became clear to me that the term aggressive has a negative connotation, especially in the United States.” (Gluckman, 2018, para.4)

So there is a fine line, a workable gray area, between assertiveness and aggressiveness; and that is where all women are expected to work within.

In an article by Suzanne H. Lease, regarding assertive behavior in women, she found that, “it does not address the problem that expecting women to modify their assertiveness when men do not have that same requirement is fundamentally inequitable. The need for such recommendations will only disappear when stereotypic gender expectations that work to everyone’s detriment in the workplace are addressed and dismantled.” (Lease, 2017, para. 19)

It is easy to categorize a woman’s behavior, yet do we hold men to the same standards? If your male boss yells at you or expresses disappointment, would he then also be considered aggressive instead of confident? Uphill Battle

After going through weeks of research, I decided to sit down with my boss and share what I’ve found. Before she even entered the bridal industry, she had to ask herself some difficult questions. What kind of leader she wanted to be and the impact she wanted to have on the people around her — both clients and employees. Turns out, she chose to be this way. Despite several ups and downs and varying opinions on her leadership style, she chose kindness. This is the kind of leadership I want to portray at work. I don’t need to be a mean or aggressive person, but I can still have my ideas and presence acknowledged. I can continue to be sociable and actively work to keep a good relationship with everyone around me. By practicing a healthy balance between kindness and assertiveness, we can open a door to a new generation of leaders and female empowerment at the same time.

One piece of advice I’d give to all women balancing their personal, social, and work life — all while maintaining good physical, mental, and emotional health — find your groove to make it happen. It is often advertised as unachievable and the ideal scenario, but as a woman with several female colleagues, I know for a fact that each woman has their own way of leading. It’s a quality that is learned and can look different for people in varying industries, regions, and societies. And to the women being chastised for being nice or letting their emotions weigh in: don’t listen to them. Chances are they haven’t been in a leadership position and if they have, they probably haven’t been doing a good job. It is certainly possible to be kind and respected. To be a good leader but an even better human. To be a friend, but an epic leader. I’ve seen it done and in the next few years we’ll see it done more often. It’s time to get rid of the notion that there’s a predetermined image or workplace requirement for a woman entering a leadership/management role.

Works Cited

Bergman, B., & Hallberg, L. R.-M. (2002). Women in a male-dominated industry: Factor analysis of a women workplace culture questionnaire based on a grounded theory model. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, 46(9–10), 311–322. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1020276529726

Butler, D., & Geis, F. L. (1990). Nonverbal affect responses to male and female leaders: Implications for Leadership Evaluations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(1), 48–59. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.58.1.48

Crawford, M., & Unger, R. (2004). Women and gender: A feminist psychology (4th ed.). McGraw-Hill.

Ghosh, P. (2021, March 30). Does being assertive backfire for women in the workplace? Half The Sky. Retrieved February 28, 2022, from https://www.halftheskyasia.com/blog/2021/03/does-being-assertive-backfire-for-women-in-the-workplace

Gluckman, P. R. (2018, August 28). When women are called ‘aggressive’ at work. Forbes. Retrieved February 28, 2022, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2018/08/28/when-women-are-called-aggressive-at-work/?sh=72a52e57bc89

Hollandsworth, J. G., & Wall, K. E. (1977). Sex differences in assertive behavior: An empirical investigation. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 24(3), 217–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.24.3.217

Kelly, J. A., Kern, J. M., Kirkley, B. G., Patterson, J. N., & Keane, T. M. (1980). Reactions to assertive versus unassertive behavior: Differential effects for males and females and implications for assertiveness training. Behavior Therapy, 11(5), 670–682. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0005-7894(80)80006-2

Lease, S. H. (2017). Assertive behavior: A double‐edged sword for women at work? Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1). https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12226

Russell, J. E. A. (2019, June 25). Being honest and nice at work actually works. Forbes. Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyceearussell/2019/06/24/being-honest-and-nice-at-work-actually-works/?sh=77b7b6816d46

Sezer, O., Klein, N., & Nault, K. (2021, August 27). Don’t underestimate the power of kindness at work. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://hbr.org/2021/05/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-kindness-at-work.